Let me start by saying I've got nothing against Christianity. Some very dear friends of mine follow those teachings, and their faith and beliefs enrich their lives greatly.
That being said, let me tell you folks about a little movie called "Fireproof." It stars Kirk Cameron, of "Left Behind" and "Growing Pains" fame. It cost $500,000 to make and made $6 MILLION DOLLARS IN THE FIRST WEEKEND ALONE!!! And it's some of the funniest camp I've seen in a long time. If you are looking for a movie with which you can get wasted and laugh your ass off, look no further.
"Fireproof" tells the story of a firefighter living in Albany (Georgia, not New York), played by Kirk Cameron. Little by little, his marriage has been falling apart. Divorce is on the horizon, and no one can see any escape from it. In order to save his son's relationship, Cameron's father gives him a book he hand-wrote called "The Love Dare." Inside are forty "dares," the intention being to perform one of these tasks a day for your significant other. Not only does "The Love Dare" free Cameron and his wife of their marital troubles, but it leads him to accept Jesus Christ into his heart.
Where do I begin in describing how terrible this movie is? Production-quality wise (as far as sets, camera work, writing and acting goes), it's basically at expensive porno level, just without any sex. I know we need to see Cameron at his darkest, so his arc and resolution will be satisfying, but the result is a character you cannot sympathize or empathize with. He has all the mannerisms and mentalities of a physically abusive husband, just without any of the hitting. Over the years, he saved $24,000 for a boat he wishes to one day buy, but he refuses to put a dime into home repairs or to aid his mother-in-law, who just had a debilitating stroke. And apparently, this couple had been together for SEVEN YEARS. I had to wonder why she didn't try to get away from this jerk before.
My favorite aspect of the film was the sex content, or rather the lack of it. Sex isn't brought up once (though extremely benign internet pornography, referred to as "trash," pops in briefly). None of the "Love Dares" involve showing your partner how attracted you are to them or attempting to fulfill certain physical needs. If someone ever tells you that sex is not important for a long term romantic relationship, NEVER MARRY THIS PERSON.
"Fireproof" is a shameful money making machine disguised as a work of faith. "The Love Dare" is an actual New York Times Bestseller, written by the screenwriter of the movie. That's right. This guy actually wrote his own book into the plot of the movie, essentially turning the film into one big commercial. Also, the movie ends with a link for "fireproofyourmarriage.com." Naturally, my girl and I had to check it out. On the page were seminars and books, all of which cost plenty of money.
Maybe I'm just jaded and bitter. Perhaps I'm jealous of the vast success that these independent filmmakers have obtained, whereas I can't even get $10,000 to produce my awesome vampire movie. I guess I could make a lame, sugary poorly executed video for the Christian audience, playing up to their beliefs and hopes and swimming in that sweet, sweet sea of cash.
Instead I'll just laugh at it. They might still get all the money, but each one of us who chortles and chuckles at this ridiculousness does our bit in establishing this film as the joke it truly is. The greatest camp is never intentional. "Fireproof" proves this.
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